It’s 6 am and I’m in the Tim Horton’s lineup at the airport
when this excited little boy races past me. He’s about 3, and he’s delighted
with his day so far. He’s got a little Ottawa Senators backpack strapped to his
back, and he’s sporting a forest green t-shirt with a big yellow tyrannosaurus
Rex. I’m so captivated by his grin that
I almost miss the caption blazoned across the bottom of it: “This is my
dinosaur phase”.
Instantly my boys are young again, and we’re snuggled
together on the couch with The Big Dinosaur Book, learning how to
pronounce multi-syllable prehistoric lizard names. It’s such a good-feeling
moment that I delight in it more than the rich smell of the fresh-brewed coffee
I am next in line to buy.
And in the same instant I think: I am entering my “Sex
Goddess” Phase. As I sip my coffee I marvel that it wasn’t until this moment,
10 minutes before I am to board a plane for “Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreat
for Women” to realize it.
It’s been a long time coming. Sure, I only booked the retreat
a month ago, but I’ve been in “Transition Phase” for quite some time now. And
among other things there’s been a divorce and a couple of moves across the
country and the emptying of the nest and going back to school and counseling
and a new/old boyfriend and finding
steady employment and the beginnings of menopause. It’s been charming….really.
Okay, maybe charming isn’t the whole truth. It’s been challenging
and exciting, amazing and aggravating, and there’s been a lot of tears and
confusion. But there’s been so much good stuff. So many wonderful people to
meet, ideas to explore, and lessons to learn. I’m knowing myself in a whole new way. And what I
see, I like- I AM becoming the woman I’ve wanted. As I dare to peek into the
dark corners of my mind, I’m discovering that they are not so scary, mostly just
neglected and ignored. There’s a lot of old ideas and pre-conceived notions
lurking in the shadows, and while it can be down-right uncomfortable to shine a
light on them, beginning to unwind the
threads that just don’t fit into my life any more is exhilarating and freeing
enough to make up for it.
And now I realize it’s all been preparation for entering the
“Sex Goddess” phase-for Becoming a woman who celebrates wholeness-physically,
emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. A confident, succulent woman who radiates
love, joy, and playfulness. A woman who embraces her deep, innate sexuality and
her expansive state of mind.
But I suspect that the life of a Sex Goddess is not all pool
boys and chocolate martinis. A Sex Goddess needs to pay attention. She must
take the time to listen to her inner truth and act accordingly. She needs to make
choices that make sense to her, and to take responsibility for who she is, and how she is in the world. She loves and
accepts herself no matter what. She knows Becoming is her real work, and she
savours every juicy, delicious, terrifying moment of it.
When I get off this plane, I’m going to get me a tight white
t-shirt and a box of markers and design my own shirt. On the front there will
be a big Goddess shape and the words “This is my Sex Goddess Phase”. The back
will be all colours and spirals and triangles and squiggles and words like
‘power’ ‘joy’ ‘divine’ ‘adventure’ ‘respect’ ‘sacred’ ‘soul whirings’ ‘moments’ ‘possibilities’ and ‘love’. Maybe if I wear
it, She will come.
