You can't stop the signal

There is an opening, a knowing unfolding in me. I don’t know why today’s the day. Why does something that I have heard/read/discussed many, many times in many different ways finally sink down into the depths of me today? Why does it suddenly become clear to me this Tuesday morning at 6 am while I am spooning with my lover and smelling the sweet warmth of his neck and listening to his soft breath as the soft grey light of morning slips in the window? Why, today, do I hear a big deep silence in my head followed by a few words remembered from a sci-fi movie: “You can’t stop the signal.”?

The signal is Love. The universe is Love. The whole point of everything is Love. What else could there be?

You can ignore it, disallow it, hide from it, squint at it through eyes clouded with anger or mistrust or fear, but it’s still there. We can get all up in our heads and try to think things through and reason things out and that’s all well and good, but we are not bodies that happen to have a soul residing inside them, we are souls hanging out in a physical body.

We are surrounded by love. It’s in the trees and the sky, in bird song and children’s laughter and the purr of a cat. It’s in the warmth of the sun and the mist of the rain. I can’t for the life of me today think why we forget this. How do we get so busy and focused on the details and the drama of our lives? Why do we get so small-minded that we can’t see the bigness of what is right in front of our collective noses?

Its 10:15 and so far, I’m still feeling the love. Jack and I had a great walk where we encountered three squirrels and a couple of cardinals. I made the best coffee ever this morning. My hair looks great and I haven’t even showered yet! And I don’t have to shower unless I want to.   

And I wonder: How long can this last? Can I maintain this feeling as I fold the laundry and make dinner? Can I remain open and trusting when my internet connection is down and I can’t post this amazing revelation? Will I fall asleep tonight safe in the arms of a benevolent Universe? And what about tomorrow? How strong will the signal be tomorrow when I wake up to my first day back at work after the summer?

Perhaps I need some bright pink, heart-shaped Post-it notes plastered all over the house, the car, the neighbourhood- reminding me in every moment to relax, and breathe, and stay open to the love.

But I love a good story!

I’m a storyteller. As a kid I made up bedtime stories starring Moi, and this blog is all about telling stories, starring Moi - all very enjoyable for me, I must admit. And it’s well documented that people learn well from stories: We have histories and Holy books, parables and tall tales, mysteries and romances and Sci-Fi-thrillers. Our parents, our teachers, our friends- everyone is telling and sharing stories. Humans love stories.

When something happens to us, viola! A new story. Like the other day, I was walking along with the dog, talking to myself and enjoying a loving morning, when whoops! Jack cut across in front of me and there I was, lying on the sidewalk with two skinned knees. This is fact. That is what happened. That is the whole, truthful story.

But by the time I got home, 3 minutes later, well, the story was much bigger than that!  In fact, it wasn’t one story, but many. “I am a clumsy ass. “ “Actually, I have new runners and the grips are really strong so I couldn’t turn fast enough.” “The neighbour now thinks I am a clumsy ass with giant feet and an unruly dog.” “That’s it for shorts this summer, my knees are a disgrace.” “I’m so embarrassed, I may never walk the dog in daylight again.” 

I had a job interview last week. In fact, I got called back for the second interview. I was supposed to hear by Wednesday if I had the job or not. But I didn’t hear until Friday afternoon. Plenty of time to tell myself lots of stories and make myself more than a little crazy: “They hated me. I didn’t get the job and they can’t be bothered to call.” “I’m a terrible person.” “I’m too old to start a new career.” “I should have dressed more casually to suit the office.” “I forgot to mention that LinkedIn connection which was a great personal connection.” Tracy! Breathe. Here’s the story: I had a job interview and I didn’t get the job. Done.

Lots of other stuff happened this week too, and I told myself a bunch more stories, and got a little more crazy each time, and then- with all the reading I’ve been doing lately- Thich Naht Hanh, Lao-Tse, Martha Beck and Tosha Silver- something clicked!

And that whole concept of detachment, of not taking things personally, started to make sense.  Somehow I was able to step back and see how I was making myself feel bad by telling myself all these (mostly) negative stories.  

I believe that the life we are living is an example of the stories we are telling ourselves, deliberately or unconsciously: I’m fat/thin. I’ve got great/scraggly hair. People like/hate me. I have (no) money. Whatever.  We live the life we feel. If we feel abundance, then we have enough. If we feel attractive, we radiate confidence and people respond to that. Conversely, if we feel like a failure, then nothing we do seems good enough. How many self-help gurus and spiritual leaders are out there saying, “Think Positive”? All of them!

I don’t expect I’ll be able to think positive all the time. Sometimes tuff happens- icky, annoying stuff- but I can remember to step back and look at it for what it is. I can stop making up icky annoying stories. I can stop trying to imagine why so-and-so did what they did, that it was all about me, that I am an icky, annoying person, blah blah blah. Maybe I can tell myself more positive stories, or maybe, I can just let it be. I can just look at it and go, “Yup, there it is, stuff that happened.” And then I can remember to love myself while I get on with my day.

The (dis)comfort Zone

I’ve always thought that life is supposed to feel good. I’ve never bought into the idea that we are on this earth to suffer. Joy and happiness are our birth-right. I think we have to live our best life, right now, every day. I don’t know what comes next -reincarnation, the Pearly Gates, a big whoosh back into pure, positive energy-but I see no reason not to live a great life now. And if there is a Grand Designer, well, I don’t believe for a minute that she said, “Yup, gonna make my peeps really suffer, and the ones who suffer the most and best, I am gonna reward them with pie in the sky, baby.  And the rest, well, let them have their cake now, cause later, there is gonna be BBQ!“ Um, I don’t think so.

Divine influence aside, I believe that our thoughts create our reality, or at least shape it. So I can choose to find the good in things, I can choose to think a thought that feels better, I can actively search for the best in the people and situations that surround me. And whether I am creating my reality or not, it doesn’t matter. Because when I am looking for the good in my life, I am more likely to see it.

So I was thinking: If the whole point of our life in this time-space-reality is the expansion of the Universe, and if the way to expand the universe is to actively look for and choose what makes us happy and what makes us feel better, then why is life so much more interesting in the (dis)comfort zone?

While I was away traveling this summer and I was unsure, and scared, and lonely, I learned so much. It was daunting and exciting and exhilarating and life-giving. I was expanding every day. My brain synapses were snapping a mile a minute. Far from home, surrounded by people who did not speak English, I not only found the Tracy-who-was, but I discovered the Tracy-who-is-becoming. What a rush!

Now I’m home, in my big airy house with the air conditioning and the bright windows, where I know the lay of the land, and I feel safe and comfortable. And indeed, I AM safe and comfortable, but there’s not so much going on. I’m distracted by my lover and my big screen tv and juicy conversations with friends and take-out butter chicken. It’s relaxing, and peaceful and easier, but is it better?

I’ll take some of each please. Give me a little sumptin’ sumptin’ going on, with a side of dinner and a movie. Let there be some challenges that stimulate new solutions. If I feel sad or angry or depressed or bored, let me be inspired into action. And then I can have a massage to soothe my aching muscles. The feeling of satisfaction that comes from fixing a problem, well, you don’t get that on the couch while eating bonbons. Not that chocolate and a good bottle of red doesn’t produce a satisfaction all its own.

I used to think that if I wanted a ‘good’ life, I had to be good- follow the rules, get along with everyone, do the right thing, and don’t cause any trouble. And in fact, I think you can live a perfectly good life exactly like that.

But maybe my definition of ‘good’ has changed. And so has my definition of ‘life’.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

People have started to ask me things; “How was your trip?” “Did you find yourself?”  “Why did you come home early?"

And it’s a bit uncomfortable. Until I remind myself of something that I learned this summer, that I don’t have anything to prove to anyone, that I am just fine exactly how I am, and that if I really do want to live in love and openness, I have to move through the discomfort to the truth of where I am in the moment.

And in this moment, I am happy to be home, so appreciative of the experiences I have had this summer, and eager to see what happens next.

How was my trip? My trip was awesome, amazing, challenging, and eye-opening. 

I knew that I had to be alone, that I needed to learn how to listen to my own inner voice, to follow my inner guidance. I had to be able to recognize my own intuition and to hear what it was saying. And I needed to learn how to listen. 

When ‘the Wunderbar fell’, it was the first time in a long time that I had listened to my own ‘knowing’, somehow certain that it was the exact right thing to do. I knew that I would go, no matter what anyone else thought. It’s a great feeling, that ‘knowing’, and I set off for Europe to find more of it.

I have to admit, I’ve always believed that I could do anything I put my mind to. But knowing, and ‘knowing’, they are different. I believed that I could travel to Europe by myself, but now I know it. I can figure out train schedules and make myself understood even though I don’t speak the language and I can walk a long ways wearing a heavy backpack, even with blisters. I feel confident and capable in a new expanded way.  

There was a real freedom in being alone, in only having myself to please. But I also discovered the challenge of taking the responsibility to figure out what I wanted and what would actually be pleasing. And then owning it. It’s powerful. And sometimes lonely.

In fact, I was lonely a lot of the time I was away. I had no frame of reference for enjoying things alone. The Mona Lisa is just a small painting behind glass when there is no one there to say, “Hey, here we are, looking at the world’s most famous painting together.” I actually had to remind myself that I was in The Louvre, to appreciate the beauty all around me. I had to forget the crowds and the fact that I was alone among them. And then there was this delicious moment, when I was captivated by the enormous collection of ancient pottery. I gazed at these beautiful urns, etched with the ancient patterns I had just spent two weeks dancing, and the tears were running down my face. I felt so connected to the ancestors who had created and used these vessels. The guard in that room came over to me, touched my shoulder and simply said, “I know.” A perfect moment shared with a perfect stranger.

At first I was envious of all the beautiful clothes at the festival, but I learned to appreciate the 2 Merino wool t-shirts that I wore day after day. They were cool and comfortable, washed like a dream in the sink, and dried overnight. No one cared that my hair was a bit flat so I allowed myself to give up that judgement as well. I had no one to impress but myself, and I was already impressed that I was living out of one small backpack and that I could hike 5 miles to the next town.

In the past meals eaten alone in restaurants have been quick and rare, but I learned that it was okay to relax, take my time, and appreciate the moment. I began to realize that I could take the time, that the only person judging me was me- in fact I am certain I paid more attention to the other diners than they to me. 

I still think it’s more fun to have someone to share your experiences with. But I also think with practice, I could get better at traveling alone. And I know that I can do it. And the power of knowing is immensely satisfying.

The intensity of the dance workshop and festival- ten days of deep connection- followed by weeks of aloneness demonstrated to me just how important relating to other people is. When it was no longer easy to connect, and the feelings of loneliness and vulnerability were forcefully demonstrated to me, I saw very clearly how I want to live. Not alone. Not disconnected. Not judging, or being judged. But open, loving, joyfully connected to the world around me.

And once I discovered that, once I had that knowing, it was time to come home. To my family, to my friends, to my life, to me. I'll be looking for more Tracy every day.