Dissolving

So yesterday started out great- tour of the village and a climb to le Rondelle de Veirge, and then back home for a breakfast of fresh bread, peach preserves and delicious coffee.  A trip to the Tourist Office to get some maps of the local hiking trails and a ticked to last night’s jazz concert in the church garden. And then I logged online to see that people had posted some lovely comments about my blog, I was feeling all warm and fuzzy and amazing and wonderful.

And then I called my mom, who asked me if I was lonely. I said, “Sometimes.” And then I got off the phone before I dissolved into tears. 

When I could breathe again, and think, I began to wonder what in the hell I was doing in this funny little house in the south of France ALL BY MYSELF. Why wasn’t I at home in my beautiful townhouse with my beautiful man and my comfy bed and people who know and love me? What did I think I was doing? What indeed, was I going to do in France that I couldn’t do at home? And if I survived 4 weeks in Lunas, what was I going to do for the next 3 weeks? And how was I going to hike trails when I couldn’t understand the directions and even if I could, well, my navigation skills are less than stellar. Wah!!!

There was nothing to do but go to bed, so I crawled in with my clothes on and pulled the sheet over my head.

I woke up at 7pm, hot and hungry and cranky. A shower and a ham sandwich later ( because I was certainly not going to brave one of the restaurants by myself) I got dressed as if I was going to go to the concert, just in case I decided to go.

It is SO out of my comfort zone to approach people and chat them up. Even though almost every time I have asked someone a question, they have been happy to help and patient with ma mauvais francais. But it’s work! And it’s work to listen so hard to figure out what they are saying. Did I really want to subject myself to another outing all by myself? And it was going to be dark when it was over, did I want to stumble through the narrow streets in the dark by myself?

But eventually it was quarter to nine so I bucked up and walked down to the church, found a seat and was subjected to the strangest jazz music I have ever heard. I give this trio points for originality, and damn they could play their instruments, but they killed every song I recognized, and they made such faces you would have thought they were all constipated. But the audience loved them, clapping heartily and shouting, “Bravo!” It was interesting to watch people, and even more fun to realize that the couple sitting just down from me was speaking English- took me a while to recognize it.

I ended up walking home through very well-lit streets with a woman who lives up the street with me. We didn’t chat besides ‘Bon soir’ and ‘Il fait froid ce soir” but it was companionable. And as I washed my face and went to bed I felt like I accomplished something.

I woke up feeling better today. I started thinking about how I could let go of expectations for this time, mine and everyone else’s, and I would just do what I wanted. Really. I would listen to my inner voice and dance only when I wanted to, talk to people only when I wanted to, hike only if and when I wanted to, and I would read and nap and drink as much coffee and red wine as I wanted to. And I reminded myself that I didn’t have to figure everything out right this minute, I just needed to be in this moment.

I felt like a morning stroll so away I went, and before long I was thinking about dipping my toes in the Mediterranean Sea or maybe a wine tour and perhaps a bit of shopping in Paris on my way home. And then my kindle arrived. Halleluiah! - Because oh my, what was I thinking?? A month with one book to read?? Thank you amazon.fr!

So after I played with my kindle, read my email, spent an hour with my favourite dances in the sunroom and enjoyed a delicious afternoon nap, I took myself to the Chateau de Lunas for a scrumptious dinner where I learned to order my gin et Schwepps avec le lemon tranche.

It's been a hell of a 24 hours. Up and down and around and around. Martha Beck talks about the four phases of human metamorphosis: dissolving, imagining, reforming and flying.  Yep, that about describes  it, and it was only one day.